Y’all I have learned SO much about myself recently and one of the things I STRUGGLE with the most is putting effort in. I’m not sure if it is from being forgetful, or feeling stuck or both. I am forgetful because I have anxiety and depression (with maybe some dissociative tendencies). How I feel stuck is honestly, as a parent which is the biggest part of my life. I feel like I can’t do anything because I have kids. Who is going to watch them? What is the purpose of trying to get a second job or opening up my weekdays for sessions when I have no coverage? Or with just the simple fact of having to get them ready just to go somewhere. Not only am I limiting myself but I am limiting my kids. There is ALSO a huge fear of them being kidnapped while I am with them or something happening to me while we are out.
.And then I have the questions and thoughts of “am I using this as a crutch?” “everyone already knows that I keep to myself” “why doesn’t anyone ever ask for my help?” “does this make me a bad person?” ALL VALID QUESTIONS THAT DESERVE VALID AND TRUTHFUL ANSWERS. .I do use it as a crutch because I am scared to put myself out there.Just because “everyone knows that I keep to myself” doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t be more active in reaching out to those I love most.No one is asking because they either know that I can’t help them or maybe no one needs my help.It only makes me a bad person when I KNOWINGLY IGNORE THE NEEDS OF THOSE AROUND ME. Which I have done.
.Mental health is not one sided. It is also a constant battle. it is also my crutch. It is a never ending cycle of thoughts, doubts, fears, and insecurity. IT is also not a fucking joke. I wish I was more like the people around me who literally get so much done while being parents, full time workers, great friends. There is a thin line FOR ME between my mental health and my will to not move forward. There are days when it really is my mental health, but there are days when it really isn’t and I need to do better. I DESERVE TO DO BETTER.